PURE NARCOTIC
(Porcupine Tree)
You keep me waiting
You keep me alone in a room full of friends
You keep me hating
You keep me listening to the Bends

No amount of pointless days
Can make this go away

You have me on my knees
You have me listless and deranged
You have me in your pocket
You have me distant and estranged

No narcotics in my brain
Can make this go away

I'm sorry that, I'm sorry that I'm not like you
I worry that I don't act the way you'd like me to

You find me wanting
You find me bloodless but inspired
You find me out
You find me hallucinating fire

No narcotics in my brain
Can make this go away

Have we ever been here before?
Running headlong at the floor
Leave me dreaming on a railway track
Wrap me up and send me back

"disconnected my heart, and cut myself on the wires..."

I'm not capable of anything but quotes.

"Ponho os meus olhos em você
Se você está
Dona dos meus olhos é você
Avião no ar
Um dia pra esses olhos sem te ver
É como chão do mar
Liga o rádio à pilha, a TV
Só pra você escutar
A nova música que eu fiz agora
Lá fora a rua vazia chora...

Pois meus olhos vidram ao te ver
São dois fãs, um par
Pus nos olhos vidros prá poder
Melhor te enxergar
Luz dos olhos para anoitecer
É só você se afastar
Pinta os lábios para escrever
A sua boca em minha...

Que a nossa música eu fiz agora
Lá fora a lua irradia a glória
E eu te chamo, eu te peço: Vem!
Diga que você me quer
Porque eu te quero também!

Faço as pazes lembrando
Passo as tardes tentando
Lhe telefonar

Cartazes te procurando
Aeronaves seguem pousando
Sem você desembarcar
Pra eu te dar a mão nessa hora
Levar as malas pro fusca lá fora....

E eu vou guiando
Eu te espero, vem...
Siga onde vão meus pés
Porque eu te sigo também.
eu te amo!
E eu peço Vem!
Diga que você me quer
Porque eu te quero também!"


Quantos etcéteras terá caetano que cantar em meu lugar
Antes que venhas despir-me a linguagem fluvial…
Quantos cantos de tantos valentes guerreiros
Terei de recusar aos meus braços
Até que venhas de pés descalços me oferecer um copo d’água?
Por Quantas flores terei de passar fingida em despétala sem colher
Sem colar
Até que venhas exalar damas da noite aos póros dos meus ouvidos?

(interminado indefinido)

(“meu canto não tem nada a ver com a lua”)

drowning moron

This WILL BE a very stupid post. If anyone does ever read this, please read the other ones, so that my reputation doesn't go so many stories down at once.
thank you.

It only takes a second, and a stupid very silly practical decision. And, then it's no use, there I am.it starts: you probably don't care, you won't appear tonight, you'll start to leave, and I'm suddenly very very ugly.
and I'm suddenly very very fourteen, actually. I've even forgoten how I was gonna write this, and it sounded so much better, and it sounded maybe even a little kate nash'y...

o modernismo acertou em cheio na desordem do Sublime. Me sinto me descabelando num capítulo triste de novela. Pior. eu sou uma personagem. Sinto uma raiva incomensurável disso.
Estou percebendo o quanto eu não quero ser "that girl". Do I have a reason not to be "that" girl? Do I have a reason to think it's not legit? Do I have a damn goo reason to continue suppressing my every move and repressing myself for all these spontanuous reflexes (that's probably redundant...) The thing is I hate being the silly girl I've seen fall down the pitt. I've seen her fall and I feel like one of those vilain woman, those bitches that only want the strong ones around. I liked being strong. Where the hell did you come from?! And more importantly, who let you in?!

silverchair:

Contain yourself
I will compress
What I am to
Replace yourself
With what you have
Your substitute
Only wanted a piece of myself
Steam will rise
Esteem will rise
Steam will rise
Esteem will rise

Refrain, confess
Contain, repress
Pretend I'm dead
Abuse myself
Confuse myself
I won't be led

Only wanted a piece of myself
Only wanted a piece of myself
Only wanted a piece of myself
Steam will rise
Esteem will rise
Steam will rise
Esteem will rise


and here's the truth:

A primeira vez que vi Teresa
Achei que ela tinha pernas estúpidas
Achei também que a cara parecia uma perna


Quando vi Teresa de novo
Achei que os olhos eram muito mais velhos que o resto do corpo
(Os olhos nasceram e ficaram dez anos esperando que o resto do corpo nascesse)


Da terceira vez não vi mais nada
Os céus se misturaram com a terra
E o espírito de Deus voltou a se mover sobre a face das águas.

I am afraid of movement.


I'm full of quotes and life isn't getting any easier because of them. A pluralidade de vozes dizendo-me, dizendo ao tal Outro (Lacan?!) o óbvio da beira do meu sentimento não me desvenda nada. Minha mente é como o trânsito dessa cidade. Me identifico e me enojo com a infinitude de pensamentoszumbidosbuzinasescapamentosluzes `a minha volta entre 6 e 7 da noite. Tudo me reflete e refrata, sem ao menos ter a bondade de me esvaziar. Sou como a cidade de vãos e vozes incessantes sem relevância alguma. Presa em concreto e vidro. A complexidade dos pensamentos digeridos em tantas outras vozes escritas ou cantadas nos infinitos arquivos da minha memória de Alexandria não é maior do que uma, e apenas uma, dessas frases isoladas seria. Não há vitória nem alívio no dissecar minucioso e obcessivo das referências inúteis que migram dos meus ouvidos `as minhas bocas. muitas. muitas bocas mudas. Escureci algum pedaço disto aqui que eu chamava de expressão e agora, agora calei uma engolida em seco, de cores diversas, e me desespero na enchente de fumaças e prédios daqui. E eu não precisava entender, dissecar, distorcer, desvendar nem desnudar nada. Está tudo sabido, e seco como só um ser humano tem a capacidade de se tornar. Sangrei cavando uma superfície encrustrada, busquei em todas as estantes algum objeto que me trouxesse de volta a mim, que me tirasse de dentro da casca, pois que a proteção se torna sufocante e letal. Vasculhei a poeira por algum alívio para fora da casca de aspas. Encontrei um alento pequeno e efêmero, me transbordei um pouco, e quase senti o prazer de me ser novamente, na tristeza e na pobreza, até que a morte me separe. Senti por alguns segundos o prazer de saber chorar novamente, ou ao menos o alívio de desprender do peito tantos signos soltos, metáforas, parábolas parabólicas zumbidos escritos paráfrases hhhhhhhhhhhhhh (espira. que tudo saia. e pronto.)
Mas o segundo passou, a construção de nós se re-fez e voltei a lembrar que laying 'down in a hole' is way more confortable then standing. I don't want to fight, I need to be able to cry in peace.

Still, por mais que eu caminhe em volta da questão, ainda sei e estou sentindo com força a falta de um passado nada remoto que nem sei se se chama passado ao certo, que nem sei se chama realidade mesmo, que nem sei se se chama. Ainda me recuso a acolher o movimento como meu favorável. Para mim tudo o que anda tem garras para me engolir.

I am afraid of movement.

fragmentos que achei por ai

can I already set this in the past tense? time plays with me like a cruel child.

- Sometimes it feels like you live in China and I send you post-cards of the beautifull places I’d like to be seeing. Rarely there’s also a post-card in my mail-box . Those days I feel like the queen of all the land. -

-
Ruby moon, ruby moon
Mirror to me in any sort of way
Virtual mirror, I reflect my blood
You reflect our blood

I reflect in you my loneliness,
And two lonelinesses united
One over the other
Create a completer void

And real nothingness is all I need by my side
I’m hungry but can’t eat

I wanna share your loneliness, not be your fantasy
Even your fantasy come true
I don’t wanna be the space you complete
I want to be the space we share
-

-
And I start hating my computer
And wanting to photograph the buttons
And the letters
And the buttons on your
Shirt

Shit!

And see,
I don’t even wanna undo them!
Honest to god
(or some other un-human thing…)
but it’s true!
I’d just get close
And still
I’ll smile from a few blocks away
Cause that’s the way


Now I love it when you look a little wrong
When you show me you ain’t no god’s gift
Cause see I love a human, flesh and bones
Make a little lower my flying drift

And when then I hang my hanger on your shoulders
Makes lighter sins undoubtedly fly away
Hang on!
Will you wash those flowers before you sleep?
My eyes burn a little on the sun, and I have night-vision tours
to your lovely ears
muske-tearing sword fights with eye-lids
lovely fog, you suppress my dive
-

...

what if?

"Pardon me while I burst into flames...."

Having one mega weight lifted off my back, I just remmember feeling this way... this light, contradictory way... This pleasent, but suicidal way... What is this thing again? (that was a retorical question, okay?!)... This sting of never yes now plead. This thing of -if- never, -okay, I'm doing great, -okat, I'm lovingly lifted and great.- This" I'll die in the next second, and be born again the second it meets."

Love is the phoenix complex!

And every time I start feeling like this I wanna repress myself and go back to disbelief, because we stupid human beings have made up this lie in which if we suffer and not believe from the beggining, we will suffer less in "the end". First of all: that is a lie. Second: when can we call it the end? When to we sum up the points and call it a match? When do we get to decide who won? I've suffered along the way to my only true heart-break and when I called it the end, was actually almost when I could embrace delight of lonesomness. So we choose our endings. "We may loose and we may win, but we may never be here again".
And since it's an Incubus vibe today, this is about the moment love disappears:
"Round and round we go...
who could've known it'd end so well?
We fall on and we fall off...
existential carousel."

So all the lightness can go away whenever I remmember this is not my view. And then, then I just endure the day. So whatever will come of me, whatever will come of this, at least here I have given myself the right to be naive, stupid, dreamy, and a waste of time to myself... It's like digging a hole in the groung and screaming into it. Hope noone makes flutes off of these bambus...

ECHO
(incubus)
There's something about the look in your eyes
Something I noticed when the light was just right
It reminded me twice that I was alive
And it reminded me that you're so worth the fight
My biggest fear will be the rescue of me
Strange how it turns out that way
Could you show me dear
Something I've not seen
Something infinitely interesting
Could you show me dear
Something I've not seen
Something infinitely interesting
There's something about the way you move
I see your mouth in slow motion when you sing
More subtle than something someone contrives
Your movements echo that I have seen the real thing
Your biggest fear will be the rescue of you
Strange how it turns out that way
Could you show me dear
Something I've not seen
Something infinitely interesting
Could you show me dear
Something I've not seen
Something infinitely interesting

"but this won't work now the way it once did"

So when what I wanted to write was butterflies and streams, and all that silly shit, here I am, trapped with the other side of what I can't say. Okay, so today we're on a differente subject:

CONFUSION
(Alice in Chains)

There's no time to give at all
I cause you grief and blow my hatred
Further in your mind
You reach, I run, you fall
On skinned knees you crawl

I want to set you free, recognize my disease!!!!!
Love, sex, pain, confusion, suffering
You're there crying, I feel not a thing
Drilling my way deeper in your head
Sinking, draining, drowning, bleeding, dead

So you sit and think of love
I wait, hate all the more, I fall
On skinned knees I crawl

I want to set you free, recognize my disease
Love, sex, pain, confusion, suffering
You're there crying, I feel not a thing
Drilling my way deeper in your head
Sinking, draining, drowning, bleeding, dead

Now there's time to give it all
I put my fears behind again (!!!!!!)
On skinned knees well crawl

I want to set you free, recognize my disease
Love, sex, pain, confusion, suffering
Youre there crying, I feel not a thing
Drilling my way deeper in your head
Sinking, draining, drowning, bleeding, dead
Love, sex, pain, confusion, suffering


As Alanis would say "as will these boys gone through like water"

but in reality I DO see the meaning f these boys gone through like water. a trilha dos desejos que leva `a verdadeira vontade. E não é que ela seja perigosa, é que necessariamente ela causa danos. A todos. Infelizmente também não há garantias de que chegando `a verdadeira vontade (será que se chega `a verdadeira vontade quando se descobre ela? ou só se de fato se consegue ela?) não haverá sofrimento. Na verdade verdadeira mesmo, a única garantia é o próprio sofrimento. SEMPRE sabemos que no fim algo vai nos fazer sofrer. Não estou sendo dramática, juro, isso não é tão trágico quanto parece.

"Strange dear, but true, dear...."
(Cole is God)

"Such conflicting questions rise
Around in my brain: should I order cynanide
Or order champagne?"


"when (you're) down"

this is for me

Sim, eu consigo ser humana e normal o suficiente a ponto de querer criar um lugar público para escrever coisas que na verdade não quero que sejam lidas. Meio Morrisey "Shut your mouth, how can you say I go about things the wrong way?! I am human and I need to be loved, just like anybody else does!"

-I'm the only thing I really have, at al...-

- but wait just one minute here, I can see that she's trying to need me... -


And no, I don't wanna talk about this. I wanna talk about all that I'm carrying underneath this surface. Me, carrying things under the surface... who would say?!
I never actually believed the gutt feeling I had that the world could be so goddamn ironic to the point of making me more distant from you, because of deciding to have the courage and the honesty of stepping away from him. But here we are, and I feel lost, without your eyes.

mundane:

You can't make people like you, it's against the rules. We all know that. And yet we spend all our lifes trying to break that fist rule. Either they like you, or they don't, and that's that.
But you can help them see it?
That's probably our hope of breach in the law.
It's like gravity: you can't fly, but you ARE allowed to jump.

Actually, all I usually want to say and can't (which is the whole purpose of this space) can be put in quotes. SO...

BOWIE!


I
I will be king
And you
You will be queen
Though nothing will
Drive them away
We can beat them
Just for one day
We can be Heroes
Just for one day

And you
You can be mean
And I
I'll drink all the time
'Cause we're lovers
And that is a fact
Yes we're lovers
And that is that

Though nothing
Will keep us together
We could steal time
Just for one day
We can be Heroes
For ever and ever
What d'you say

I
I wish you could swim
Like the dolphins
Like dolphins can swim
Though nothing
Will keep us together
We can beat them
For ever and ever
Oh we can be Heroes
Just for one day

I
I will be king
And you
You will be queen
Though nothing
Will drive them away
We can be Heroes
Just for one day
We can be us
Just for one day

I
I can remember
Standing
By the wall
And the guns
Shot above our heads
And we kissed
As though nothing could fall
And the shame
Was on the other side
Oh we can beat them
For ever and ever
Then we can be Heroes
Just for one day

We can be Heroes
We can be Heroes
We can be Heroes
Just for one day
We can be Heroes
We're nothing
And nothing will help us
Maybe we're lying
Then you better not stay
But we could be safer
Just for one day